Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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