my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
