I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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