Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
We smell like vodka and hangover
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