the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
