Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
