I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
