I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
