you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
