And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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