is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
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All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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