i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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