I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
