Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
