Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
