tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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