things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
