The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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