Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
