I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
