I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
