dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
