Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
