It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
