oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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