At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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