so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
