Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
