I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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