Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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