I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
