I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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