Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
