i think i recognize dicks better than faces
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
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I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
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pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.