I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
