If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
