got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
