Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
