She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My ATM looks so different sober.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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