I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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