Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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