i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
