I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
