I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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