I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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