Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
