Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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