Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
