last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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