The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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