my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
