Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
