Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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