If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
