Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
