Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
