I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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