we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
