I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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