Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
