I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
