I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
