don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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