In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
