I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
