omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
